


Fortesque Goes Forth

by Lancre_witch



Category: MediEvil (Video Games)
Genre: Gen, it's almost a medieval au of blackadder goes forth, so many blackadder quotes and references, title may change, very silly but not quite crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-14 22:20:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19282336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lancre_witch/pseuds/Lancre_witch
Summary: A brief, Blackadder-esque look at the prelude to the fateful Battle of Gallowmere.(Written for the memedievil prompt challenge on tumblr almost a year ago, now polished up and posted at last.)





	Fortesque Goes Forth

Gallowmere had not fought a war in generations, and it showed. Dan listened to the latest list of casualties and groaned.

“Alright, who did survive?” he asked eventually.

Tim shuffled through the pieces of parchment. “Erm… Kate... oh dear, no, not that list… right, er, Bob.”

“And?”

“That’s it sir.”

Dan bashed his head against the folding table. It promptly collapsed under the added weight and he followed it to the floor. He didn’t get up, just lay staring at the roof of the tent that made up their makeshift headquarters.

“Where did it all go wrong, Tim?”

“I’d say it was when the sorcerer came back.”

Dan gave him a look.

“I meant all this. Was this what you imagined when you signed up?”

“I can’t believe that when I joined I wanted to see a war fought so badly. Seeing the reality puts a bit of a damper on things.”

“You said it Tim. A war hasn’t been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, king of the Vikings ordered a hundred helmets with the horns on the inside.”

“I wish Zarok would do that with his army sir. We’ve taken as many casualties from their armour as from their weapons.”

Dan sighed. “I think the phrase rhymes with ‘clucking bell’. And I suppose we’re the ones who are going to have to explain this to King Peregrine?”

Tim nodded.

*

King Peregrine was in a rather nicer tent rather further behind the lines.

“Ah Captain Fortesque, excellent! Zarok’s forces have captured the floodlands and I need my best man to retake them.”

“Right you are sire, I’ll send for Dirk right away.”

The king laughed. “Always the joker, eh Fortesque! Has Tim shown you our plan of attack?”

“Err...”

“Here, sir.” Tim passed him a scroll.

Dan unrolled the map and lay it on the table.

“God, it’s a barren, featureless desert out there isn’t it?”

“The other side, sir.” Tim said patiently.

“Ah, right.”

He turned it over and stared at the marks with even more confusion than he had at the blank side while the king explained.

“So as you can see here, I want you to get four battalions lined up and marching in those arrow formations while another forms blocks along the edge of the forest. Classic hammer and anvil attack.”

Dan didn’t know what to say to that.

“Um, sire,” Tim began. “It isn’t common military practise to actually form up in the shape of arrows. That’s more there for the military books to show troop movement, sire.”

“Nonsense lad, we’ve got to do things by the book.”

“Yes sire,” Tim disagreed.

“Very good. I have every faith in you. Right, hop to it.”

Tim held the tent flap open for Dan and squelched miserably across the field beside him.

“We can’t march into battle in arrows. You can’t make a shield wall like that, we’ll be shot!”

“It’s alright, Tim,” Dan said, striking the sort of noble pose that had won him the rank of captain in the first place. “You see, I have a cunning plan.”

Tim whimpered and closed his eyes. “We’re all going to die.”


End file.
